Random Line of a Flying Beaver

2008-01-05T12:48:00.000-08:00

I am completely prepared to spend a very long time with, and go completely out of my skull on photoshop.
Yeah, that's sad.

So I got a bass gig this Wednesday doing worship for this multi-church event in Winters. Thanks to scheduling errors, we only got an hour of practice for a total of... what was it? Three songs? Maybe? But I'm trying out some new stuff, hoping to get a little more complicated stuff into actual performance. Totally screwed it up today, but oh well. I'll be practicing my scales 'till Wednesday morning, most likely. Should be fun.

---

2008-01-03T12:48:00.000-08:00

I discovered today that I actually really like getting up early in the morning. I mean, once you get past the bleating of the alarm clock, the masochistically cold showers (see my posts on hatred of showers, one and two), the lack of any sunlight, and the fact that the first pot of coffee always seems to be the worst, it's quite nice. And here's why: It's absolutely silent.
Yes, that's why I love it so. Today was the first day in over a month that it has been absolutely quiet when I woke up. No Star Wars. No fighting. Nothing. Just me, and the sweet, sweet clacking of my keyboard. Then, of course, I had to go to work, but whatever. It's a library, so the maximum volume at any given time is at least a fifth of what it is at home anyway.

I'm drinking --drinking-- blueberry pie. It tastes like the sheer essence of blue was concentrated into a Jones soda and sat on by a smurf for three days.

I've hit this sort of semi-writer's-block where I know I just had a hundred interesting things to write about, with at least ten witty and interesting things to say about them. But I forgot them all. My soul (or what small bits of it remain) has been slowly slipping into the world of PHP as I continue to work on that website I showed you a while ago. In a way it's like torture, trying to figure out why my code's not working the way I want it, or how to add some new feature, or whatever. Simultaneously, it's exceedingly fun to watch the mist rise as I realize just how badly MySpace can screw things up. It's fun, I swear.

Then again, there's also that painful feeling of regret I get when I realize that I'm coding for fun. Dangit. I want to get paid for this.

The promised story (part of)

2008-01-02T12:47:00.000-08:00

The man without a time took his seat.
Seated next to him was a man without a face. The man without a face didn't look like much of anything, really, although he appeared to be lots of things. He appeared to be reading a magazine, and at the same time he appeared to be looking at the man without a time. At the same time still, he appeared to be winking at he woman across the aisle, who certainly wasn't without much of anything. He appeared to smile.
"Hello," said the man without a face.

It took the man without a time quite a long while to recognize that anything had indeed been said.

"Oh, hello." said the man without a time. Even in stark disregard of the time stream, awkward pauses lingered about, so as to inevitably doom humanity.

The stewardess came by, and the man without a face ordered a drink.
In an attempt to start conversation, the man without a time concentrated very hard on where a face might have been at one point, and spoke.

"Do you really think ordering wine at this time of day is really wise?" he said.

It was a blunt remark, but it was the only thing the man without a time could come up with.

It was half past midnight.

The man without a time's watch had broken some time ago, and he was utterly lost without it. His last surviving effort had been to write the year down on the back of his hand, in case he forgot, which he did a lot. It was because of this, it must be added, that he was dreadfully frightened of New Year's, and did his best not to think about the connotations of it having already passed.

"Well," replied the man without a face, "I never order champagne on airplanes, you see."
"Ah." said the man without a time, "Why not?"
"Too many bad experiences with it," the faceless man winced (although to this day, no witness could be sure), and then appeared thoughtful, "Or maybe it was too many good ones? Too many, anyway. Not good for your health."

"Experiences." thought the man without a time. He'd had an awful lot of them. He didn't remember actually experiencing any of them, however, they sort of just happened, and he stored them up in the darker recesses of his mind. That was the odd thing about not having a full comprehension of the time-space continuum; your social life got mucked up a bit in the process. At first it hadn't been too bad. Sure he showed up for meetings before they had been planned, or sat on the toilet for days on end, but that's nothing a good psychiatrist can't deal with. It was when he started casual conversations with dead people because they owed him money from last week's poker game, or started reciting eulogies in bare sections of graveyards that he really started worrying people. He vaguely remembered dying quite a few times, as well. That was really beginning to bore him.

"Ah." he said, as an afterthought.

He let his mind wander for a second, and he found himself in front of a strange cafe, and the faceless man was telling him that he might need an umbrella. Back on the plane, he continued,

"What did you order?"
"Merlot," said the man without a face, "Although at this rate it's more of a Mer-high."

The man without a time agreed, and toyed for a minute with the memories of having jumped out of the plane in a few minutes, but soon abandoned them in favor of reading a magazine.

It's a well-known economic phenomenon.

2008-01-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

Unlike yesterday, today is Wednesday.

Yes, this is pretty much what I've reduced myself to writing. Aside from it being Wednesday, and not Tuesday (as I've previously pointed out), the time is morning. What does that mean, dear reader? That means that after I have acquired the magical coffee elixir and defeated the fearsome guardian golems which protect its holy place of rest, I cloister myself into my room for as much of the oncoming day as possible. This is not because I am attempting to be antisocial, nor is it that I fear the sunlight. Nor is it any other one of a million things that could classify me as any sort of vampire (except for, possibly, sticking a stake through my heart. I'm pretty sure that one still smarts pretty badly). Rather, my morning routine involves waking up to a rude alarm clock (one so rude he swears at me and censors himself out in order to get me out of bed), and the lovely and melodious sounds of my brothers killing each other. Depending on what hour it is, that last phrase may be either virtual or literal.

The Nintendo Wii we got for Christmas, you see, has an interesting feature, and that is that there are tiny, tiny speakers built in to each controller. These are what shout at you when it's your turn, etc. They're also what go "Whirr" incredibly loudly when you swing a lightsaber, or go "Zap" even louder when you shoot a blaster. My brothers, being the prodigies in such matters that they are, are excessively good at both, and use the full function of these speakers nearly constantly. Thanks to this, I hardly even need the alarm clock anymore, as now I have the distinctly unique pleasure of waking up to the sounds of the Galactic Rebel Alliance every morning. The brilliant thing about the Wii controllers, in case you were still wondering, is that you can't turn them down.

It is now nearly an hour later than when I started writing this post, and I'm realizing the full context of my (hopefully) brief writer's block. It's not that I expect to be able to write more when life gets more interesting again, really, it's that I expect that I won't want to write once life gets boring. Later, I shall post a story.

... And never brought to mind.

2008-01-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

It's this time of year --or, more specifically, the beginning of the year-- that I have particular trouble working out what to say. "Well, congrats, everyone. Another year survived."? "Way to go, humankind. Keep on keeping on!"? Yeah, it just doesn't work.

Here's to realizing that no matter how often the numbers change, people don't, and that's the only thing we can't have computers deal with.

... Yet.

2008, may your feet leave slightly shallower marks in my forehead than 2007.

2007-12-30T12:33:00.000-08:00

Day two sick.

Time: Irrelevant.
Date: Unknown. It's Saturday, right?

There's always this odd point in the day, whenever I get sick, that sheer delirium hits, and I don't feel incredibly sick anymore. Medicine has absolutely no effect on me, and stuff that's supposed to make me go to sleep (and knocks my dad out in ten minutes, which is amazing no matter who you are), keeps me up 'till two. So, really, the only way I ever get over being sick is simply by waiting it out. Which, I must add, is entirely annoying. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yes, delirium. Yes, there's this point whenever I get sick in which I go entirely crazy and, still being sick, act like I'm not sick anymore, which may or may not make things actually better. It's that time in the three-day period in which I start making comments like, "Shush! Or the beavers will get you!" etc., and have strange urges to do actually active/productive things that I'm not usually prone to doing otherwise. For example, going outside and getting a tan. In the Winter. or changing my bass strings, which I may as well do as soon as I stop typing, if in fact that ever happens.

Hey look, it happened just now.

Oh, so I'm really hoping my audition got in. Really really hoping.

Views on Life, Sickness, and Boogers.

2007-12-29T12:33:00.000-08:00

"A cold," it has been said, "Is merely what your body does when it's bored." Conversely, I propose that instead it should be said that a cold is the most frustrating experience a body can endure, and boredom becomes a moot issue. Sicknesses are caused by germs, yes? Okay, so when you are affected by certain types of germs, your body reacts by producing mucous, which catches the airborne germs that travel through your nose, so you don't get even more sick. Okay, sure, I accept that. However, there's a point where no matter what your body thinks, it gets bloody annoying. This, dear readers, is where I seriously wonder what my body must be thinking, as it appears to wish to cure me by cutting off all circulation to my lungs. While, indeed, that would solve my problem after a few minutes, it would inevitably create quite a few new ones once the body is discovered.

This line of thinking, however, is quite an interesting one, as it makes me wonder what the theory of evolution has to say about the common cold. My personal favorite is that, because of insufficient brain power, as well as the lack of proper tools, the cold and flu gave rise to many popular religious practices, such as human sacrifice. It makes sense, really, for one such half-monkey.. thing, with about as much processing capability as O'Brian during a writer's strike, to keep the survival of the clan in mind, and "sacrifice himself to the mucous god," as it were. Of course, later on they invented kleenex and such, so it didn't become much of a problem anymore. The sacrifice thing stayed simply because they hadn't yet gotten bored of pointlessly killing people. Actually, I think this may give some credence to the theory of evolution, at least somewhat, as the Aztec culture, so enthused with their sacrificial rituals, were the only civilization of that time to invent every bit of medical equipment and practice, except that of clearing one's nasal cavities.

Boogers are like birthdays; the more you have, the harder it gets to breathe.

The Aztecs were, on the other hand, the first ones to create a form of snake repellent. The testing of said product involved a gathering of five or more hunters during the dead of winter, each drinking the magical elixir, catching ten or so snakes each, skinning them, and then going to sleep in a field with the skins of their prey laid about them. If, in the morning, none of the skins had been stolen for use as luxurious winter jackets, and all the hunters were still alive, the repellent was considered valid, and went into production for sale to the general populous. The Aztecs were also the first society to give birth to the PR services that we all know and love today.

College, it seems to me, is a misnomer. "Continuation of the past 18 years, as opposed to something new" seems more likely.

---

Oh, that reminds me. I am working on a project, here, in which I code everything from scratch, from the ground up. It's a social networking engine that I would like, eventually, to release publicly, open-source. Until then, I would appreciate comments, suggestions, and requests.

Wii Represent the North-American Branch of the ACLU...

2007-12-25T12:32:00.000-08:00

Christmastime this year has brought forward some unexpected results. One of which being the realization that actually blogging fromn a Nintendo Wii is actually possibly, if not... difficicult. Meaning, while I still have a USB keyboard plugged in, I can only see like two lines and I type so fast any typoes are soon lost into the oblivion of the abyss. .... Typos.

"What's this?" You say? "Tyler Got a new blogging-enabled toy?!"
Yes, dear readers, for it is Christmas. This year my family forwent most of our Christmas presents, in fact, all but around 3, and bought a Nintendo Wii for the joy of all. And, I must say, I quite like it. The features are unexpected, the controller gives a nice little click whenever I roll over something, and it gives me a finally legitimate excuse to sit on the coffee table and blog, pointlessly. A task that I must admit never was a lifelong dream of mine, but now that it comes to retrospect, I believe it should have been.

What I see in front of me right now is the input screen of the Wii's internet function. It looks a lot like my keyboard, and the buttons light up and expand when I press them, as if some sort of electronic bubble wrap with medical benefits. The unfortunate bit now, of course, is that my brothers have yet a new venue for beating me virtually. Or is it virtually beating? I'm pretty sure it's actual beating. It feels like actual beating.

This is the point in all my posts where you can tell that I'm tired and have been overdoing things a bit lately. This is entirely true, however I'm afraid I'm simply having too much fun creating virtual avatars of celebrities past and present (which, incidentally, I must find a way to take pictures of). This is blog number one from the Wii, folks, and Merry Christmas to all.

... Holy crap I can zoom in with this thing...

Boxering Day

2007-12-24T12:31:00.000-08:00

Shopping for clothes never ceases to be amazing. Expiration dates, when located on backs of milk jugs or soda containers, are alright. In fact, I enjoy them, as I get the sick pleasure of knowing exactly how many days before that odd look comes across my brother's face as he is slowly forced to chew his milk before swallowing.

When I see "Best by 12.07.08" on a pack of Target-brand boxers, however? Then I know something's up.

Also, blogging in bed is one of the greatest pleasures imaginable.
---

2007-12-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

There is a man in Vancouver, apparently, who is being charged with what can only be described as "ash-fraud."
What troubles me about this article are the different questions it brings up. Firstly, how do you tell those aren't your fathers ashes? Second, if they're indeed not your father's ashes, what happened to your father?

What it really makes me wonder, however, is what purpose it serves to keep the original ashes (or bodies) for one's own personal use, instead of giving them to the families. Is there an underground British Columbian necromancy league we're dealing with, here? What do they tell people? "I'm sorry about the loss of your grandfather, ma'am. Incidentally, if you see him walking around every now and then, don't worry, I can assure you he has no soul." Or "Excuse me, sir, but your dead father has just gone missing."?

I suspect, however, that proof against the man will be incredibly hard to come by (as, apparently, all the "these are not my father's ashes" machines are currently unavailable). I suspect, also, that once the dust settles, he and his colleagues will retreat to the darkest corner of their underground catacombs, be served exotic drinks by the undead (recently actually-dead) former clients, and wake the next morning to a relatively fresh batch of bright, cheery, and ultimately deceased customers anew.

The Royal Canadian Mountie Policemen have gotten in on the case, and while there aren't any definite results of what happened yet, most of the 56 "misplaced or mis-filled" urns filled with supposedly human ashes were returned to their rightful families, and after all-- the Mounties always get their man.

(And, considering the "men" in this case are all dead, burnt, and stored in convenient urns for revival later, their job should get much easier.)

30--... whatever.

2007-01-21T20:14:00.000-08:00

"Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner."
- Douglas Adams

"Women should be obscene and not heard."
- Groucho Marx

"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging."
- Joe Martin

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
- Steven Wright

"Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others."
- Edward Abbey

"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
- Will Rogers

"It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them."
- Isabel Colegate

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."
- Mitch Hedberg

"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say."
- Will Durant

34

2007-01-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together.
- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.
- David Brin

The National Rifle Association says, 'Gun's don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.
- Eddie Izzard

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
- George Burns

The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
- Elayne Boosler

These days an income is something you can't live without--or within.
- Tom Wilson

Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise.
- Bertrand Russell

Quote Post Number... 33?!

2007-01-07T22:03:00.000-08:00

Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money.
- Robin Williams

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
- Mark Twain

To be willing to die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture.
- Anatole France

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
- HL Mencken

In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.
- Andy Warhol

If someone wants a sheep, then that means that he exists.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.
- LM Boyd

Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them.
- Paul Valery

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
- Dr. Seuss

32nd Quote Post - Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T07:49:00.000-08:00

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.
- Peter Ustinov

The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
- Garry Shandling

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Peter De Vries

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
- Paul Gauguin

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
- Rita Rudner

He who hesitates is a damned fool.
- Mae West

There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead.
- Arthur Honegger

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.
- Evan Esar

124th Post. Yup.

2006-12-16T19:04:00.001-08:00

"It's not the voting that's democracy, it's the counting."
- Tom Stoppard

"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."
- Mel Brooks

"A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself."
- Henry Morgan

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
- Voltaire

"Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art."
- Charles McCabe

"Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money."
- Joey Bishop

"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
- Johnny Carson

"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
- Lily Tomlin

"I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane."
- Ray Bradbury

Thir-dee.

2006-12-10T06:31:00.003-08:00

Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing.
- Randy K. Milholland

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.
- John Updike

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
- Judith Martin

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
- Ogden Nash

Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked.
- Peter de Vries

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule - and both commonly succeed, and are right.
- HL Mencken

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
- Bernard Bailey

Twenty-nine!

2006-12-02T13:26:00.001-08:00

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
- Isaac Asimov

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
- Doug Larson

When love is gone, there's always justice./ And when justice is gone, there's always force./ And when force is gone, there's always Mom./ Hi, Mom!
- Laurie Anderson

All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.
- Bobby Knight

None are so busy as the fool and knave.
- John Dryden

See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?
- Will Rogers

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
- Mae West

I am at two with nature.
- Woody Allen

The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him.
- Henry Stimson

#28

2006-11-25T15:24:00.000-08:00

In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying.
- Bertrand Russell

Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one had no time to write down.
- Hector Berlioz

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
- Victor Borge

When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody.
- WS Gilbert

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
- Oscar Wilde

The actual tragedies of life bear no relation to one's preconceived ideas. In the event, one is always bewildered by their simplicity, their grandeur of design, and by that element of the bizzare which seems inherent in them.
- Jean Cocteau

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
- JRR Tolkien

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
- Arthur C. Clarke

The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth.
- HL Mencken

Quote Post #27

2006-11-19T09:37:00.000-08:00

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman

The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting.
- Amanda Cross

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
- Margaret Bonnano

I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
- Charles De Gaulle

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct.
- Benjamin Disraeli

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
- Jane Wagner

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
- Bill Hoest

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
- Zach Braff

Quote of the Freaking Year

2006-11-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

No.
- Amy Carter

Weekly Quote Post #26

2006-11-11T09:01:00.000-08:00

The significance of man is that he is insignificant and is aware of it.
- Carl Becker

To be able to fill leisure intelligently is the last product of civilization, and at present very few people have reached this level.
- Bertrand Russell

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
- George Bernard Shaw

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
- Evan Esar

When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong-- or absolutely right.
- Albert Guinon

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.
- Dana Carvey

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
- Ogden Nash

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Weekly Quote Post #25

2006-11-03T09:27:00.001-08:00

Art is science made clear.
- Jean Cocteau

Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
- Alexandre Dumas

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
- Bill Lyon

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
- Clarence Darrow

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
- Dylan Thomas

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
- Douglas Adams

Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
- Rudyard Kipling

Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
- Michael McClary

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
- Henry Kissinger

Weekly Snickering of Famous Peoples - #24

2006-10-27T22:20:00.000-07:00

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
- Robertson Davies

When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.
- William Wrigley Jr.

There are more fools in the world than there are people.
- Heinrich Heine

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.
- Chuck Reid

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.
- William Feather

To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood.
- George Santayana

Life is a zoo in a jungle.
- Peter De Vries

Fortune does not change men, it unmasks them.
- Suzanne Necker

The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.
- Oscar Wilde

Weekly Quotes for the Illiterate - #23

2006-10-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality.
- Bertrand Russell

Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts.
- Clare Booth Luce

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
- George Carlin

Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.
- Barry Switzer

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
- Robert Orben

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.
- Galileo Galilei

When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.
- Albert Einstein

Weekly Quote Post #22

2006-10-14T17:31:00.001-07:00

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
- Aldous Huxley

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
- Oscar Wilde

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

A lifetime is more than sufficiently long for people to get what there is of it wrong.
- Unknown

At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.
- PG Wodehouse

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
- Wendell Johnson

Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on.
- Karen Elizabeth Gordon

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

Weekly Bang-My-Head-Against-The-Wall Art

2006-10-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

And I'm STILL not done...

The Inevitably Late Weekly Quote Post #21

2006-10-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

'Whom are you?' he asked, for he had attended business college.
- George Ade

Now, in reality, the world have paid too great a compliment to critics, and have imagined them to be men of much greater profundity than they really are.
- Henry Fielding

Since we cannot know all that there is to be known about anything, we ought to know a little about everything.
- Blaise Pascal

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Oil prices have fallen lately. We include this news for the benefit of gas stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six months.
- Bill Tammeus

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.
- Peter da Silva

A diplomat... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
- Caskie Stinnett

That's the thing with suicide pacts. Sometimes they only really work if they catch you by surprise.
- Randy K. Milholland

Do We Give Darwin Awards For People Still Alive?

2006-10-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

Give that man a ham. And some aspirin.

From Daily Mail:

"A pensioner was trapped upside down in a hole for four hours - finally being rescued by a passing postman who saw his feet sticking out.

Albert Hughes, 70, was adjusting the water flow of the sprinklers in his front garden when he fell head first into the hole which houses the water meter.

Passing postwoman Janelle Maury was delivering letters when she saw his boots and heard his muffled cries for help.

"His feet were at ground level but that was all I could see. When I was closer I could see he was down there," said Janelle.

She immediately called the emergency services who rushed to the scene. Initially the fire service tried to pull Albert out by hand, but eventually had to use a tripod.

They attached a rope and straps to his feet and winched him out of the pit at his home in Spokane, Washington state.

American Albert, who was conscious throughout the ordeal, was taken to hospital but released uninjured."

[From HalfBakedScheme]

Weekly Quote Post #20

2006-09-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
- Woody Allen

Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone.
- Hodding Carter

Never eat more than you can lift.
- Miss Piggy

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- George Carlin

Virtue is its own punishment.
- Aneurin Bevan

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
- Jerome K. Jerome

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.
- Georges Duhamel

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?
- Irv Kupcinet

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
- George Burns

Weekly Quote Post #19

2006-09-23T22:31:00.001-07:00

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
- Mark Twain

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
- Fran Lebowitz

They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.
- Sir Francis Bacon

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
- Albert Einstein

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it.
- Doris Day

The only paradise is paradise lost.
- Marcel Proust

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
- Tommy Cooper

Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly.
- Simeon Strunsky

There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.
- Albert Camus

Comments on My Handwriting - #1

2006-09-22T23:10:00.000-07:00

More Recent Artwork!

2006-09-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

Weekly Quote Post #18

2006-09-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem.
- W. Somerset Maugham

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
- Aristotle

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.
- Richard M. Nixon

What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen?
- Evelyn Waugh

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.
- Hansell B. Duckett

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
- Carl Sagan

Dood!

2006-09-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

Recent vector work o' mine.

Early quote post!

2006-09-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

I know it's not Saturday yet, but these quotes were just too good to pass up. :)

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
- Frank Tibolt

It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life.
- PD James

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.
- Dame Edna Everage

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
- Voltaire

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
- George Bernard Shaw

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
- Elbert Hubbard

The higher the buildings, the lower the morals.
- Noel Coward

Yet Another Blog (Don't worry, this one's for school)

2006-09-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

For the following school year, I'm supposed to keep a journal of my academic procedures, writings, etc. This journal idea has evolved into a guidebook for home schoolers on (hopefully) graduating high school on time.* This will include various tips of survival, random english papers, quasi-intereting projects that you can copy/steal if you wish, and varying other collections of my academic blunders. Enjoy!

*Results may vary.

Quasi-weekly Quote Post #17

2006-09-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.
- Jules Renard

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
- Albert Einstein

All things are difficult before they are easy.
- Dr. Thomas Fuller

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
- Billy Wilder

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices.
- William James

The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution.
- Hannah Arendt

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
- Aldous Huxley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

Weekly Quote Post #16

2006-09-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, hard to believe that it's been four months since I've started this already. Got some nice new quotes for ya, enjoy!

Dave Barry
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

John Mason Brown
"He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace."

Galileo Galilei
"I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him."

Ambrose Bierce
"Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen."

Lynn Johnston
"Never tell anyone that you're: writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death."

Robert Heinlein
"The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive."

John M. Ford
"We're not lost. We're locationally challenged."

Bertrand Russell
"Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so."

One... last... post...

2006-08-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

Just to round off the day. ;)

Some of you may recognize this'un from my "He <3's Corn" post, I decided to take 'him and fix him up. Pity I couldn't find the bigger one, though. Again, this is all done by hand with the mouse. A hand which, I may add, I think I am now going to go rest.

The Creeper!

2006-08-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

My second vector work of the day, as I've been attempting to get the hang of doing the line-work by hand (I'm too cheap to get Illustrator), and this time it's The Creeper! Google him! He's cool!

Metamorpho!

2006-08-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

He's like Captain Planet, only not!

Recent photoshop sketchiness!

2006-08-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

Been trying to get re-acquainted with my pen tablet lately, here's some of the results:

For whom the shelf falls.

2006-08-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

Tried adding a few more books to my collection today. Figured I could take some extra reading to do, right? My shelf didn't agree.

Finally, I had placed my copies of Red and White by Ted DekKer on the shelf of glory, held together with books, CDs, wood, hard work, caring, love and the two Anduin king book-ends I had recently got with a LOTR DVD bundle. No sooner had I thought, "There we go, does it fit?" Than my shelf had suddenly given out, spewing the last remains of "No, sir, Nihilism is not practical" and the first three volumes of the Full Metal Alchemist series, along with many, many other works of literary and musical genius, and the two kings.
From the shattered wreckage, I picked myself up and collected the rubble. Luckily, most of it had survived, yet there was one fatality...

The right-most king.

Eight years of living in this home, and up 'till now no beheading had caught my attention. This one struck me hard. Who would hold up my books? I panicked.
But, in realizing that he still had a perfectly good body to keep enslaved to me, I shall put him back in his throne of unrighteousness as soon as I remount said shelf.
The end.

Weekly Quote Post #15

2006-08-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

I know, yesterday was supposed to be Quote-Post Day, I forgot again. Those of you who have been acquainted with me long enough know that I turn into a relative zombie during the unholy hours of the morning, and.... yup, they're still unholy. So, here's the quote post. Google quotes has been stiffing me a few quotes a day, so don't panic if they look a little different this time.

Jadelr and Cristina Cordova
"If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it's time to switch doctors."
W. Somerset Maugham
"There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."
Benjamin Stolberg
"An expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy."
Unknown
"Oh, come on. If you can't laugh at the walking dead, who can you laugh at?"
Margaret Millar
"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses."
Robert Benchley
"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."
Czech Proverb
"The big thieves hang the little ones."
Dame Rose Macaulay
"It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them."

The Adventures of BB and L the Z - Chapter 2 (1/2)

2006-08-23T12:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry this has taken so long, this chapter's significantly longer, so I've decided to split it up and finish the second half later. Enjoy!

-Chapter 1-

Chapter 2 (part 1 of 2)

Bulletcom was in the middle of eating his newly-found deli-cut sandwich, when, just at the most inconvenient moment possible, the phone rang. Bulletcom was feeling somewhat agitated as it was, and decided not to notice it. "Just remember the steps," he thought to himself, "Bite. Chew. Swallow." And he did as such. The answering message played.
Bite. Chew. Swallow.
And the message started to record.
Bite. Chew. Swallow.
Bulletcom stopped when he finally listened the voice of the person calling. It wasn't a necessarily deep voice, but... soothing. The kind of voice you could easily imagine playing James Bond's superior in the latest movie. Apparently, the voice thought this was a rather good idea as well, and acted upon it thoroughly.
"Greetings, agents BB and L the Z. I am calling on the grounds that you come and congregate with me at my office at 1500 hours, today. There, I will propose a proposition. Should you choose to accept my proposition, the reward will be... satisfactory. I am transferring my location to you presently. I trust that you will get this message and reply promptly. This message will self-destruct in--"
The answering machine beeped and cut him off. Bulletcom was mid-chew when the fax machine started buzzing, printing out the mysterious caller's address. He dashed over and tore the page off.
"Wenny!" he mumbled, bits of bread and turkey spewing out of his mouth, "BENNY!" He yelled again, more chunks of food falling.
Lenny the Zombie walked out the bathroom with a towel on, drying what little hair he had left with another. "Look, old fellow, I already told you, it's 'Lenny', and if that's too hard for you to remember then I don't see how much longer this business relation is going to--"
"We hab wark to doo!" Replied Bulletcom, "Bet yer clobes on!"
"I beg your pardon?"
Bulletcom swallowed. "We've got a job, for Pete's sake! Get your bloody clothes on!"
"Oh, goody!" replied Lenny, "I'll be right back."
Bulletcom took a moment to reflect on this, "Bloody"? Did he really just say that? Good God, the zombie's rubbing off on him.

It wasn't five minutes later when Lenny had dried off, donned his signature three-piece suit, they had both hopped in a taxi, and were on their way to the airport.
"Thankfully, the guy's on-planet." Said Bulletcom, "It's bloo--" he cut himself off, then started again, "Really difficult to get inter-planetary tickets nowadays."
The zombie looked at him,
"Were you just about to say 'bloody difficult'?"
"Uh... no...?"
"Uh-huh."
"No. No."
"Right...."
And such started the long, awkward silence.
Leonard was the first to spot the destination, a large, Victorian-style house on the right side of Sycamore lane. It wasn't hard to spot, because it seemed to be the only house on the whole street. Whoever owned it must have reserved it for himself. With good reason, too, the size of the house was enormous. Lenny wouldn't say it was the largest house he had ever seen, nor would I, but since neither of us have done an excessive amount of planet-hopping lately, we could honestly say it came pretty darn close. The main "building" as it were, was placed in the middle, and took up about the same space as an average library. Off that spanned various longer, flatter rooms, with the occasional tower, observatory, drive-in theater and swimming pool. The phrase "rich and eccentric" could apply here, but it would be a drastic understatement.
While walking up to the fence that surrounded the property, they were confronted by a rather large, white sign, upon which was written in bold, red lettering, "Beware the Nose." Bulletcom asked Lenny what it was all about, Lenny shrugged,
"The nose knows, I suppose."
Bulletcom fidgeted slightly, nonchalantly checked his breath, and continued walking.
They entered the house with an added air, it seemed, of professionalism. Lenny straightened his suit, and had he a bowler cap, he would have removed it with extreme skill. But he had none, so his bleached, blondish-brown hair remained uncovered. Bulletcom tightened his belt, wishing he had worn something a bit more classy than jeans. He fixed his gun belt, feeling somewhat reassured that if his appearance was not appealing, he could blast a hole in anyone who differed. He wasn't a malicious soul, but the idea that if he couldn't afford a suit, anyone who laughed at him couldn't either, gave him a small amount of confidence in his position. As it turned out, no one laughed at him. The staff, although unusually slim, was polite and, over all, incredibly British. This pleased Lenny profusely, and he spent more than his fair share of time attempting to chat it up with the maid, asking where she was from, if the accent was real, et cetera. It wasn't long before a well-dressed woman in her early thirties walked through an intricately-carved yet nigh-invisible door and informed them in classic waiting-room style that Mr. Halding will see them now, and directed them back through the door.
The room they entered into was, in stark contrast to the rest of the house, incredibly small. About twenty feet long and fifteen feet wide, it was just big enough for a desk, a large chair, and a few rather smaller chairs for guests and clients to sit and/or squirm on while visiting. The sat down on said chairs, and, having guessed their purpose correctly, squirmed accordingly. The chair turned around, revealing little of the owner's facial features due to a convenient shadow which hit him from the waist up. The one thing our protagonists could see, however, were the large, round, thick-rimmed glasses that adorned the man's nose. The light reflecting off them could blind a man if he were persuaded to stare at them for too long.
Bulletcom and Leonard were not, however, persuaded as such, and the man began to speak.
"Greetings, sirs Bulletcom and Zombie. I see you have received my message and replied accordingly. You're a might early, however. I am afraid I was not adequately prepared."
Bulletcom nudged Lenny, " I knew we should have called first."
The man chuckled slightly, incredibly slightly, mind you, so as not to lose the air of professionalism,
"Not to worry, William. My nose informed me that you were coming."
A tall, bald-headed man stepped into the light, dim though it was. He was not an unusual man, the sort of type you'd expect to see as a bouncer for a club somewhere. That is, until, he turned sideways. His nose was incredible. The sheer size of it assumed a role much bigger than a nose in and of itself, this thing was a radar.
Bulletcom now understood what the sign was for.
The man continued,
"My name, as you have no doubt guessed, is Mr. Halding. I have called you here--"
Bulletcom cut him off,
"Wait wait wait, first off, how do you know about us?"
"That," replied Mr. Halding, "Is not important. Now, I have called you here to, should accept this proposition, to locate and terminate a threat upon my life, which should be handled with extreme secre--"
A tomato jumped through his chest.

And that's it for now, kiddies! The second half of this chapter comes soon.

Busy Week

2006-08-23T10:33:00.001-07:00

Wow, this has been a crazy week. My little brothers started shool on Tuesday, I'm getting everything ready for school, our kitchen's being redone, and I've been practicing bass and guitar almost non-stop. And on top of that I have no life! So here's a progress update on my current project for this week's Illustration Friday. This week's theme is "Match":

Yes, it's quick and cheap, but it's also not done yet. Also, I really want Adobe Illustrator now.
And furthermore, jpeg compression kills, just like smoking.

Weekly Quote Post 14 and a Seventh.

2006-08-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

Gah, sorry, I completely forgot yesterday was Saturday. The fair must've messed with my brain, man... Time for the weekly quote post!

I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'ma giraffe.
- Richard Gere

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Suffering From a Mental Illness.
- Heather Armstrong

There are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science.
- Louis Pasteur

A joke's a very serious thing.
- Charles Churchill

The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals.
- Sir William Osler

The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish.
- Robert Jackson

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
- Ann Landers

1. Never tell everything at once.
- Ken Venturi

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
- Tom Lehrer

I give you the sketch, the whole sketch, and nothing but the sketch.

2006-08-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

The test is now over, please return your pencils to their upright positions.

2006-08-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

Got some new links for ya, kiddies. First off is Illustration Friday, a site that basically says, "Here's your topic, go." And thousands of people across the globe illustrate it. And secondly, Mojizu! A place for character creators to show off their characters/character designs, and have them battle inthe Mojiwar! Plenty of fun, fun.

And to round things off for the day, here's the final version of my Illustration Friday entry this week for "Play":

You can see it and other entries here.

The Eagles! The Eagles are Coming!

2006-08-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

First order of business: Brand spankin' new HBS! Seriously! Check it out!

And secondly, in place of a sketch of the day (I've been gone all day, forgive me) I offer you an illustration I'm working on for Illustration Friday. This week's theme is "Play":

Everyday is Sketch-day in Womboland!

2006-08-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

Weekly Quote Post - Lucky 13

2006-08-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Never tell everything at once.
- Ken Venturi

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
- Tom Lehrer

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
- Dennis Miller

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
- Ernest Benn

"In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known."
- Thomas Pickering

A life of pleasure makes even the strongest mind frivolous at last.
- Edward Bulwer-Lytton

I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.
- Nancy Reagan

Living hell is the best revenge.
- Adrienne E. Gusoff

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
- Edgard Varese

"Why not just, 'A really big fist'? Hm?"

2006-08-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, the return of the Hellboy spoof. Just finished this'un up yesterday.

O rly?

2006-08-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

Been trying to crank out at least one sketch a day, trying to break out of my style-rut. I still haven't gotten there yet, but stay tuned.

Warning: No refunds available if you can't read my hand-writing. All complaints shall be sent back with a rather large, hungry chihuahua in tow.

He <3's Corn

2006-08-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

Just some sketch pages from today and yesterday for ya'll to enjoy.

Adventures of BB and L the Z - Chapter 1

2006-08-08T13:19:00.000-07:00

What follows is the first installment of what I hope to be a series of short stories or The Adventures of Bulletcom Bill and Lenny the Zombie. For those of you wondering what happened to Bulletcom Bill after his own short series broke up, he requested to be dropped off at the nearest hotel, and was promptly dropped. The rest is what has streamed out of my sub-conscious mind for the time being, and will remain so until it changes. The following is based on actual events, except the names, places, dates and events have been changed to protect the innocent.

---

As any sentient being capable of speech in today's modern world will tell you, Earth has recently become immensely over-populated. If you are reading this from the past, however, you probably won't think it's really, all-in-all, all that bad at the moment, but obviously, you're in the wrong modern times. This modern time is during the commercial age, the industrial age has passed, and the information age has slowly dissipated, giving way to the time in which advertisement, more so than any other industry, has sky-rocketed. Surely one can imagine this, as it has simply become an age in which the practicality, nifty-ness, and sheer industrial value of an object, is no longer as important as simply having it in the first place. Now, this is not to say that the whole of human civilization has become like this, for, after all, the definition of "Human" has now become simply a string of recurring events through a passage of third and fourth dimension, mixing with a string of processed thoughts through an inter-racial dichotomy of logics and lack thereof (The full version of the definition can be found in the latest Webster's dictionary). So, therefore, there were still people of practicality left in the system.
Bulletcom Bill was such a person. He was currently trying to check into a hotel, located in the back-quarter of what was once considered downtown New York. He was becoming consistently frustrated with the fact that the new fully-automated system of registering for a room in the hotel, was persistently not allowing him entrance, due to the lack of first-class registration, and when Bulletcom had told it he didn't want first-class registration, the machine continued to complain about the lack of paper napkins in room 17, in it's own, robotic, sort of way. Bulletcom finally got fed up with the machine, and ordered a first-class room registration, complete with mildly-fragranted paper napkins. The computer finally complied. He walked up to his room, unlocked the door, and suddenly felt an odd, feeble, and thoroughly un-appetizing tap on his shoulder. He turned around and was immediately struck by the sight of a tall, gangly, tanning man in a three-piece Armenian suit missing both his eyeballs, smiling at him.
"Good evening, sir!" said the man. Bulletcom just stared at him.
"Oh, right, sorry." continued the man, "Introductions." He had a thoroughly British accent.
Bulletcom continued to stare at him.
"Leonard the Zombie, at you service. Job qualifications include 400 years of being a zombie, partner in crime, smuggling, butlering, shoe-shining, and did I mention being a zombie?"
Bulletcom finally spoke,
"Crime? Who said anything about--"
"You didn't--"
"Did I?"
"Well, you see, I just thought that--"
"Noo..."
"Oh. I see. Well then, this is rather awkward then, isn't it? I'll just be--"
The man (zombie) started to walk off,
"No!" Bulletcom yelled,
"I could um... well, you see, I could use a partner, but how'd you know I was a bounty--"
"Oh, goody!" exclaimed the zombie, and rushed into the hotel room.
"Now, hold on," said Bulletcom, "I didn't say--"
He walked into the room to find it fully furnished and decorated. The fridge, open, was fully stocked, and the answering machine was blinking.
Bulletcom walked up to it and pressed a button, a small, computerized voice said "Playback: Answering Message." and suddenly cut to the zombie's voice,
"Oh, good morrow, fellow employers! Welcome to the automated answering service of William Bulletcom and Leonard A. Zombie Assassination and Bounty Hunting services! We will be absopolutely sure to make your experience with us a pleasurable one. If you yourself are to be the target for any detonation, demolishing, or disintegration, we are honored by your request and look forward to your custom in future lives, please leave a message after the beep."
the word "beep" had barely gotten out when there was a loud, obnoxious beep. The answering machine cut back to the robotic voice, "No new messages."
Bulletcom looked at the zombie in surprise, "Did you just--"
The zombie was currently holding up a five-layer salami-and-tomato hoagie, trying to figure out how to fit it in his mouth. He looked up,
"Hm?"
Bulletcom finally realized how hungry he was.
"Nothing, nevermind."

"-- Now With 20% More Blog!"

2006-08-08T09:59:00.000-07:00

Sigh, another day, another lack of a dollar, another... Well, something or other.

Wow, this blog's really been neglected lately. I finally decided to change the look again, I may like this one better. I've just been so busy with other stuff that I haven't really had time [/will/motivation] for it.

Aaaaaaaand my short stories, I promise I'll have those eventually. I'm like always right there where I can write them, and I have the ideas, but I just don't do it. I dunno, maybe I'm just lazy *pokes the switch to make more coffee*.

... Nah, I couldn't be.

Anyway, after around fifty re-writes, I've got a decent intro for the Adventures of BB and L the Z, so (hopefully) for once, that seems to be going well. I still live by the age-old proverb that "Writing is easy, all you have to do is stare at a blank piece of paper until your forehead bleeds."

And, in further news, the newly-revamped Half Baked Scheme is going well. I'm just ironing out a few things, fixing some bugs here and there 'till it's safe to put it up. ("Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.")

Furthermore, since I've simply run out of useless pieces of information to bore my unfortunate readers with, so I shall spontaneously combust for your enjoyment.

"Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast."
- Douglas Adams

"She loved me for my quotes..." (post 12)

2006-08-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
- Flip Wilson

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
- Lynda Barry

All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance.
- Edward Gibbon

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.
- Scott Adams

To read a newspaper is to refrain from reading something worthwhile. The first discipline of education must therefore be to refuse resolutely to feed the mind with canned chatter.
- Aleister Crowley

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
- Frank Dane

In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
- Mogens Jallberg

"It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'"
- Sam Levenson

"Works of art, in my opinion, are the only objects in the material universe to possess internal order, and that is why, though I don't believe that only art matters, I do believe in Art for Art's sake."
- EM Forster

And Now For Something Completely Different!

2006-08-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

To whet your voluptuous appetites for the world of the slightly mentally deranged, I have prepared a grouping -nay, a veritable cournicopea -of writings, from which you may learn to read, learn, and know once and for all, the importance of being earnest.

Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man's Chest is, as some say (and by some, I mean most), either the best or the most frustrating movie thus far in 2006. This reviewer, however, thinks it was pretty decent. It was not, by any means, a bad movie. It was a really good movie, in fact. But I won't, for various moral, spiritual, and mental reasons, will not randomly utter, "OMGLoL!!1one1 Pyrates was lyek t3h bestestest movie evAr!!!!11one1!shift+1!eleven" That hurt just demonstrating.
Now then, there were unresolved issues, but that's nothing to be worried about. It's simply because they want to make a sequel. That's nothing to be ashamed of, and if it flops, you don't have to go and see it. They at least resolved enough to make it so that if you are of the more resolute disposition to not "have" to go and see it, no matter what the commercials say. But, who am I to say? Pirates 2 is still a good movie, maybe even good enough to see twice. Or, as *cough* some people have done, see five times. And yes, the Depp. All the actors come back a bit more mature than in the previous movie, some of which take a turn we didn't fully expect, the gags between them were actually quite good, but I'll get into that later.
Over my past year as an avid ranter, my "movie pertubance thresh-hold" as it seems, has all but dissapeared (except, in some cases such as Nacho Libre, which are so disturbing... yeah, don't even get me started), so I seemed to have lost my touch when it comes to the small, nibbley details of movies... except for times... oh, nevermind. You wanna know, you take me to Starbucks sometimes and ask me in person.
Anyway, Pirates. If you haven't seen it, yet you stayed for the end of the credits for the first movie, see this movie. It will relieve plenty of lingering nightmares, and possibly create many new ones. The PG-13 comes not from language, nor suggestive content, but... gore. Gore and... creepiness. Much creepiness. My suggestion for those with younger (meaning, under 13) siblings, wait for the DVD to let them watch, if you choose to let them watch it at all. This really isn't for younger children, no matter how dramatic the lack of suggestive language is. That doesn't make it better, although it did help. The PG-13 rating still stands, yet it's still a really good movie, so there's sort of the controversy there that says "HIRE A BABY-SITTER." Capice? Yup, the strange psychological issues that Theraflu simply refuses me to ponder still ensue, and thusly we're moving on.

Weekly (Late) Quote Post - Interval 12

2006-07-31T09:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, I had completely forgot about the quote post on Saturday. But that's okay, lovelies, I've got some good ones for today, enjoy!

"In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes."
- Mogens Jallberg

"It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'"
- Sam Levenson

"Many would be cowards if they had courage enough."
- Thomas Fuller

"An epigram often flashes light into regions where reason shines but dimly."
- Edwin P. Whipple

"Washington is the only place where sound travels faster than light."
- CVR Thompson

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
- Carl Jung

"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters."
- Margaret Halsey

"Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office."
- David Broder

Also, for all of you who are members of HalfBakedScheme.com, or even those of you who aren't, so far, all production rates say that the new look and direction of HBS should be ready by the end of August. Stay tuned for more in-depth music and gaming news, skype-powered pod-casts, etc. etc. etc. It'll be fun!

"You just destroyed Eridu!"

2006-07-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well, after two days of preparation, and about three hours (it felt like eight) of actual execution, the party went off without a hitch. Yes, besides the fact that there were eight six-year-old boys beating me over the head with pool noodles, squirt guns and virtually any other quasi-solidified object they could get their hands on, the party went well. I even got my little banner done:

Didn't get a chance to display it at the party, so I'm going to give it to him on his actual birthday, Wednesday.

And, as an added bonus for all you furry little creatures from alpha centauri who've been eagerly awaiting me to write something decent by way of short stories, behold but a small snippet of what's to come in The Adventures of BB and L the Z:

"Oh... lemon-tartars!"

Musical Interlude

2006-07-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

Showbread fans finally have something to look forward to this week, their new CD "Age of Reptiles" releases this Tuesday, August 1st. You can go to their purevolume and listen to some of their new songs (Such as "Oh! Emetophobia!" and "Pachycephalosaurus"), just to hold you over 'till next week.

Bulletcom Bill News

2006-07-28T16:16:00.000-07:00

Just to explain to you all (yes, all two of you) who've been expecting new Bulletcom Bill chapter, I decided - You ain't gettin' one! I've been procrastinating for the longest time now on whether or not to continue, and I figure that chapter 5 is as good a cliffhanger as any. However! There is a reason. A while back I came up with a spin-off of Bulletcom Bill, in fact co-starring Bulletcom Bill, and I've decided to make it into a weekly short story. You see, the thing with BB is that I wouldn't even go back and edit things after I wrote them, I'd just do spellcheck and that's it. But this won't be like that, so don't worry. So. Without further ado, stay tuned for...

The Adventures of Bulletcom Bill and Lenny the Zombie

Coming to a blog near you.

Pirate Update

2006-07-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

Here's an update on my little brother's birthday banner, I decided to go back to the original sketch a bit more, and go for more of a parchment-esque look.

"Hide the rum."

2006-07-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

Here's a prelim sketch for a banner I'm doing for my little brother's party, anyone care to guess what the theme is? :P

Anyway, I'm liking it so far, but I'm gonna take it and fix some of the smaller details (Ears seeming mis-aligned, etc. Annoying little stuff like that) and re-scan it. Then I'll color it in in much the same way I colored the Nicodemus sketch. So... The party's on Saturday, so you can expect to it the finished version by then (or that very day, at the latest).

Edit:

My progress so far:

Introducing His Royal Nicodemus

2006-07-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

My grandma's cat, Nicodemus, the psychotic, homicidal, ferocious-yet-lovable kitten, and my artist's rendition of him.

Sketch:

Final:

Click the pics for the full image, etc. etc. All that tech-y mumbo jumbo. I'm tired. Fo' spizzle.

G'night!

Edit:
A fellow artist acquaintance suggested that I alter the color scheme a bit to try and make Nic stand out a bit more, I adjusted it a bit and came up with this, tell me what ya think.

"Bring it, bovine!!!"

2006-07-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

This just in, cows are dropping flies... everywhere.

Oh, excuse me, cows are dropping like flies, everywhere. I mean, I'm sure they could be dropping on some flies in the process, but you see, it's... Right, nevermind.

Yes, behold the power of cheese. The heat has become so intense that according to our sources in Yugoslavia and the Czech republic, nearly 500 Californian cows have fallen over and... well.. ceasing mortal existence, every day. So much for happy cows. To further expand upon our reports, a total stranger we picked up off the streets today is on location. Billy Joe?

Daggum!

Fascinating.

This just in,
Local processing plants have gone on strike, due to the excessive amounts of bovine carcasses, farmers are resorting to using the nearest landfill car-smashers to remedy the dilemma. We have in the studio here with us... here, in the studio. Here. With me. Us. A representative from the processing plants to explain.

TOO MANY COWS, MAN! It messes with your MIND. We had to get out of there before they suddenly found out that they'd be the only ones who'd survive a NULCEAR ATTACK, MAN!

Actually, that's cockroaches.

The cows, man... the cows.....

Ah, yes. Fine.

Stay tuned at 8:21 when our sports reporters reviewing the latest craze: Cow-smashing.

I'm John. Q. Morty, and this is the 8:19 news.

The Joy of Saved Conversations

2006-07-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

me: So what are you up to this hideously 80-degree-fahrenheit day?

Bri: DRAMATIC!

me: Who is, you or me?

Bri: ME

me: Ah. Bri: AND......essie?

me: ?

Bri: esmerelda!

me: O_o

... You are Esmerelda, in love with an unworthy soldier who is kidnapped and later murdered by Santa Claus, who has been secretly stalking you for many years.

Bri: YES

add to that that my mother hates my guts and wants to kill me

but that's only cause she thinks I ate her reeeaal daughter

which I didn't obviously

cause I turn out to BE her daughter

me: And short, pointy-eared, green things shoving balloons at you.

Bri: which we find out because of a certain little shoe *halo *

me: Ah yes, the shoe which you clumsily lost at the ugly bug ball, where you had a rather pleasant time dancing with a water beetle, who turns out to be your great uncle Charles.

Bri: eeeewuh

>.O

COUSIN at LEAST

me: The only reason you were there, however, was because your Fairy Godfather told you to take it to the mattresses, and you had until dawn.

Otherwise, Sonny Corleone would ride down in his rutabaga chariot, sweep you off your feet, and strap you to the tallest tower he can find.

Bri: tower? *faints *

me: From which, you would be forced to wait until your hair grows to hideously long lengths, and strange men yell "Rapunzel" at you.

Bri: and let me guess, I get rescued by sir lance right?

*sigh * at which point in order to trick him I change my name to....what was it

Ruth Ann? =P

me: Robin, actually. Or at least, almost saved by Sir Robin. He has a record of almost doing things, you know.

Bri: gulps... almost?

me: You are then shipped off to a rather fancy four-star hotel under the name of "Howard Bell"

And forty-eight live chickens are delivered to your room, which then mysteriously disappear.

Bri: CAUSE YOU ATE THEM

NO DUH

me: Your room swivels out of existence, and is replaced by a rather crowded subway car, full of rather plainly dressed people who are all staring at you with the air that one would breath at a mental institute.

The word "yellow" passes through your brain, in search of something to connect with.

The only other word that comes inexplicably to mind is "thunderbolt" which quietly runs off with a very nice spork.

Bri: O_O

me: You have no idea where I'm going with this, do you.

Bri: not a clue.

BUT ITS STILL COOL

one question:

do I get to live happily ever after?

me: Good. Because neither does to pilot, and you promptly crash into a subterraneous chocolate spring.

Hm...

Bri: do they grow strawberries there?

me: Well, there is a "happily" and an "after"

Bri: *curious *

me: But I don't know about the "living" part just yet.

Bri: ok then. bring it on.

me: Yes, strawberries.

Bri: wait....will it mess up my hair?

me: And... rutabagas.

It's already messed up, don't worry

Bri: alright then. lets do this thing

me: You pluck up a rutabaga, and it yells at you in a pitch that only a very disturbed rutabaga could reach

And a very short person yells "Rapunzel" at you from behind.

Bri: and I squash him right?

me: You turn around, and he proceeds to ask you something about the end of the world

Bri: and I tell him that the world ends and life ends too, but love goes on and on

me: Yes, you proceed to discover a rather large mace in your back pocket, and promptly squash him with it.

Bri: =D

I knew it

me: A giant eye appears behind you and thanks you, although he really wanted to be the one to do that.

Bri: shoulda ran faster

me: The eye then proceeds to chant in a strained, high-pitched voice from atop his tower, as the world is enveloped in darkness.

Then, across the world in Washington D.C.

The president is getting ready for his speech

He is suddenly approached by a dark green-ish man, who politely asks to search him.

Bri: do I sing?

me: Not yet, shush.

Bri: *sings out * I'm green I'm in need ob a dye

*hushes *

me: The dark green-ish man then discovered a large, red button in the president's back pocket, laughs gleefully, and runs away.

A full two minutes later, Pluto explodes, setting off a chain reaction that causes the polar caps on Mars to melt, the tides on Earth to freeze, and Schrodinger's cat to finally die.

In realizing this, you promptly break into a rather nice song and dance number.

Accompanied by a five-piece brass orchestra, playing a new rendition of "Somewhere over the Rainbow"

In D-minor.

Bri: O_O

me: A rather large, blonde, Norseman then pats you on the shoulder, politely asking you if you'd quiet down a bit, he's killing goblins here.

You politely agree, bowing slightly

And he goes off to slay rather large green blobs with his hammer.

Bri: the end?

me: Not yet.

Bri: where's my prince silly?

me: Hang on, he's getting here.

You are suddenly whisked away by a rather dashing goat, and taken to a small tropical island off of I-5 in the center of the world. To your left you see a rather distinct parking lot.

Bri: with lampposts?

me: The dignified goat looks at you, baas respectfully, and flies off to reinforce the uncertain areas with a large roll of duct tape.

A lamppost, yes.

lamp post*

A small child with a crown on his head then walks up to you and asks you how to spell "lamp post" and you politely tell him that you have absolutely no idea, and he walks off contently, now wondering how to spell "idea"

Then, out of the corner of your eye, you see a flash

Bri: *curious *

me: You turn, and it's a rather tall, well-built young man with a crown on his head and a flowing cape draped about his shoulders

Bri: NO CAPE

*uses Edna voice *

me: The cape vanishes in a puff of Edna.

Bri: O_O *gasp *

I kiiiiled him

*jaw drops *

me: No, you killed the cape

Bri: OH.

*relieved *

me: The guy's still there

Don't worry

Trust me

Bri: oh goodie

me: He looks at you, cocking his head slightly

"Weren't you supposed to be asleep?"

Bri: *cocks in reply *

* maybe *

me: You look at him, and tartly reply in a brief period of "what the heck are you talking about?"

Bri: hehehe. dang straight I did

me: He informs you that he is, in fact, Prince Charming

Bri: the real prince charming?

*wonders what the heck Travis is then *

me: No, just a Prince Charming. They come in six-packs now.

Bri: * informs that Travis claims to be therealprincec as evidenced by his sn *

me: He studies you briefly, and then realizes that you are not Snow White on account of the fact that you don't have seven other men swarming around you.

Bri: I have eight *snickers *

me: He vanishes, whistling "Hi-ho, hi-ho"

Yes, swarming man #4 asks you who that was, and you say no one important, and order him to continue feeding you grapes.

Bri: red grapes.

me: Red grapes.

Seedless, even.

Bri: of course.

maybe even peeled.

me: Looking back over the vacant but rather dignified parking lot, you get the sudden realization that this must be exactly how a watermelon feels, and promptly go off to interview one just to make sure.

Bri: *nods *

how smart of me

me: Oh, that's not the smart bit yet.

The smart bit is that you video tape it.

Bri: O_O I'm a frippin genius

me: And give that video tape to the local television channel, which then plays it backwards.

That's the clever bit, you see.

Bri: yes. so smart.

I need tori.

lots and lots.

if you ever want to become man #9...just give me tori.

or even if you know of anyone else that would like to fill that position

*nonchalant *

me: A small, orange-ish creature appears in front of you, and starts singing "Smells like teen spirit" in a sort of Polynesian demonic ritual-chant.

Bri: O_O TORI

hey.....she's not orange

me: Prove it.

Bri: she's a dark evil beautiful mermaid.

me: Besides, who's writing this thing, you or me?

Bri: the kind that sings to men and then eats them

you are. *sigh *

BUT I'M HELPING.

its my life too ya know.

tori is turning my into a siren

me: It eats swarming men number 2 through 7 inclusive, and tells you to get rid of all the parts about sheep.

numbers*

Bri: OHOHOH. did you know tori sings somewhere over the rainbow? *seems to recall that somewhere in this story *

i have her singing it

me: You spend quite a lot of time wondering which sheep she meant, and eventually decide to hire a squad of expert hit men to assassinate Bo Peep.

Bri: *eyes fly open wide *

aaand the sheep?

me: No, the sheep are still alive.

Bri: darn.

me: But don't worry about them just yet.

Bri: I hate sheep.

me: Ten years later, after a rather freak accident starting a nuclear war, the late Bo Peep's sheep mutate, growing fingers and opposable thumbs. They then raid all of Russia's weapon supply, and come after you with rather nasty looks on their faces. This is probably the part you should be worried about, because you have no idea how hard it is for a sheep to get its face in a nasty look.

Bri: *is rather alarmed *

me: Now not only are they incredibly PO'd, but rather uncomfortable as well.

You are now 28 years old, and living in a small shack in Kentucky, where it is illegal for a person to hold a man hostage with a squirt gun.

Bri: yeah. they only allow 12 gage

me: Having become a rather indulgent squirt gun collector by this time, you have tested this out on a number of occasions, and are now serving your two minutes of public serving sitting on your Laz-E-Boy recliner.

Bri: niiiice

me: Flipping through the television channels, you come to one of your favorite news shows, where a mutated suckling pig borks at you nicely, supposedly talking about how dog-eared the weather is going to be in a few weeks.

Bri: weather men these days....

they bring their pets now?

me: You have yet to learn bork, though you have firmly decided to take a few classes of it over the summer

Bri: hey now....I'm 28 and single?

which means....I lost the bet

*depressed *

me: There was a bet?

Bri: ok. make me earn a lotta money, cause I owe a loooot a lot

yes. there is a standing bet that I shall be married my the end of my sophomore year of college

OH WAIT.

HAH>

NEVER MIND
I'M SUCH A LOSER

I WOOOON THE BET

*high five *

THEY LOST

me: ?

Bri: *had it backwards *

see cause I said I wouldn't be married

and they said I would

me: Oooooohh...

Okay

Bri: so...I'm 28 and not married

I WINN

*IN

*WIN

lol

me: Unless you actually want a man. I hear Prince William's still available.

Anyway

Bri: HECK YES

TAKEN

me: A short, squat, round, balding man walks out of the master bedroom, grunts at you politely, and puts on his hat.

You holler at him fro across the room, reminding him to please remember to keep the chickens in line again, they caused such a mess at the UN last week.

He grunts again, politely, and walks out the door.

Bri: oh no. no no way.

I'm not marrying any bald prince.

*refuses *

me: Fron inside, you hear a few rather distinct laser blasts, and he walks in again, holding a large, silver platter with a full six-course dinner on it.

Bri: *skeptical *

does his hair grow back?

me: From the other side of the house, you hear a door open, foot-steps in the living room, and in through the hall walks Prince William

You look back over your shoulder at the man, "Yes, that'll do Henry. You can go now."

Bri: ok that's more like it

me: He tips his hat at you and walks out the door

Prince William is just about to sit down next to you, when a rather large, red phone start buzzing incessantly.

He picks it up

Bri: of cooourse it does

me: From where you're sitting, you can hear a rather distressed voice babbling on about the end of the world or something. William hangs up the phone, tears off his suit revealing a new, rather stylish brand of spandex, emblem blazing in the fluorescent lighting. And he promptly dissapears, leaving a rather profound hole in your roof. From which, a box of chocolate bon-bons falls into your lap.

Bri: my kinda guy!

saves the world AND leaves me chocolate

me: AND Prince of England.

Wales.

Scotland.

Uzbekistan.

And New Jersey.

Bri: oh yeah.

wait.

does he do photoshop?

if not he'll have to resign himself to being swarming man number 10

me: No, but after a freak accident with a vat of toxic waste (eighteen of them, in fact) he has the power to summon a rather large red umbrella

Bri: SOLD.

me: (Yes. [/Kip])

Out of your window, you see a rather distinct yellow spot, fighting a rather distinct orange spot. Suddenly, a rather distinct red spot shows up, and clobbers the heck out of the orange spot.

Bri: MY PRINCE

......

.................................................................................

my prince killed tori?

!!!!!!!!!!!

me: Yes

Bri: oh no he didn't

*waves finger *

me: The yellow spot then flies back towards your house, red spot in tow, and sings "Over the Rainbow" to you in falsetto

Bri: wait...who's yellow?

me: A green spot then flies over the sky, leaving a trail of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet behind him, jabbering something about his lucky charms

The yellow spot then comes into view, revealing itself to be Prince William, carrying an extremely large, extremely red, umbrella.

He is then suddenly knocked out the sky, completely incapacitated, by small brown spot yelling something about cocoa puffs.

He drops into your farm, leaving a crater which is more or less the size of Manhattan.

Bri: chocolatey good killed my prince who killed tori?

*faints *

me: You're not worried, however, because since ten years ago, the size of Manhattan has decreased significantly.

Bri: oh good

*un faints *

me: Prince William stands up out of the puddle, brushes some imaginary dust off his shoulder, and smiles an ear-to-ear grin at the helicopter camera crew in the air a couple hundred feet above him.

Unfortunately, due to intense dental surgery, his teeth have become so white that the sun refracts off them in such a way that it burns a hole straight through the helicopter, sending it a couple hundred feet straight down, on top of a rather surprised looking farmer, who had just started using his new outhouse.

Bri: O_O

me: A black van then arrives exactly two point four five minutes later, and denies everything.

Bri: at least he has a nice smile....

me: The end.

The Beaver Returns

2006-07-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it's just about 9:15 in the morning, I have my morning oatmeal and coffee, I just found my old notebook with the last written chapters of Bulletcom Bill, life is good.
I've sort of had good ol' BB on my concience lately, I figure I wanna get at least one short story finished up before the end of the month, so it might as well be this one. I had a really interesting idea for a plot twist (And *gasp* an actual plot) the other day, so we'll see how that goes. In the meantime, here's Chapters 2 through 5, all written at very late hours of the night sometime last month.

Chapter 2
It is at this point that the plot becomes even deeper, more bizzare, and possibly even more inexplicable. This is not, of course, without reason.

Chapter 3
There was a loud bang as he wokue up. He jolted upright, and simultaneously hit his head and minorly sprained his left wrist, due to (chronologically) a wide glass enclosure, constructed to keep him in place, and the metal bracers arond his hands and feet, also built partially to keep him in place, but mostly to prevent him from banging his head against the afore-mentioned glass enclosure.

Chapter 4
The effect of this -rather rude -awakening reduced even his mere inner assortements of concious and subconcious attempts of thought into silent, garbled gibberish. This was perfectly reasonable, not only due to the circmstanes, but it was actually quite normal for the generation that was born, or rather, will have been born by the time- no, let me start over. It was perfectly reasonable, simply because his generation (or, in fact, any generation) never entirely got used to waking up approximately three Earth-years before they were intended to be born. (In the system currently being implied at being occupied by the subject in question, births are taken in waves, decided upon by a commitee of elderly gentlemen, at when a new generation seems like a pretty good idea for the time being And this was just before the three-year war of EX-11.) "He" was of course Bulletcom Bill, born and christened "Johanne Xavier Julius Augusts Gozak William Robert Bulletcom."

Chapter 5
Afer a decent interval, his vision resolved to see, beyond the glass, a light gray, semi-rectangular blob, lightly adorned with yellow lining in such a way as to give a military air (or perhaps the designer just got bored with designing gray blogs and needed a little flair, regardless of what impression it was originally intended to propose).
"You know," said the gray blob in the sort of voice that one wold expect to hear come out of a robot who had watched too many episodes of "M*A*S*H", "Bonanaza" and "Days of our Lives."
"For a guy who's supposed to be dead," the gray blob continued as it sprouted an antenna, "You're doing a pretty good job of staying alive."

And there you have it, folks. I'm actually somewhat dissapointed with those past chapters, but I figure I had better just finish it and move on (and heck, I can't be brilliant ALL the time :P ), so expect to see the next couple chapters in the next couple of days.

Tally-ho!

Mmm, Toasty.

2006-07-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm losing it.

You see, in order to post "properly" as it were. Or, that is, in a manner that I'm sufficiently satisfied with (See: Using lots of big words), I have to be in the right frame of mind. And, coincidentally, that seems to have run away from me for a bit. I swear it's this limeade stuff that did it.

Anyway, I added another link to the fun websites: DrawerGeeks.com, a website where they annually pick a subject, and random geeks, well... draw it.

This month's topic is "Chickenman" so I threw together a quickie in Photoshop last night:

"Crispy Chicken"

I'll probably finish it later today, along with some other stuff.

Anyway, I'm out! Help yourself to some chips while I'm gone,
-Tyler

Weekly Quote Post Go 11

2006-07-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
- Carl Jung

"Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office."
- David Broder

"The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught."
- Marquis de Vauvenargues

"When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice."
- Marquis de la Grange

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."
- George Burns

"But in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."
- Benjamin Franklin

"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity."
- Harlan Ellison

"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
- Graffito

Super-Penguin! The All-American Defender of Fishy Justice

2006-07-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

Faster than a speeding halibut!
Nuttier than a fruitcake!
Able to leap to the fridge in a single bound!

It's Super-Penguin!

Fighting for Truth, Justice, and the All-American Fishmonger Documentary.

Coming to a blog near you, sometime in the future.

"Made ya smile, *****!"

2006-07-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

My latest "work."

Somebody stop me while I'm behind. Please.

Holy Cow, It's Huge!

2006-07-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

Finally got up the courage to fill an entire page with drawings *gasp*, and, actually, I'm quite pleased with the results. Not all my best stuff, but we can hardly expect that now, can't we? I chose to keep it at the original size, though, so all you dial-up users out there will HATE ME.

Just click the thumbnail to see the full size.

Coming Up...

Men are from Mars...
Women are from Venus...
Supermen are from Krypton...

And Penguins are from... Ohio?

WTF, mate?

2006-07-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

Apparently, even the pros take the occasional pot-shot every now and again. Mike Mignola (creator of Hellboy) got bored one day, and created a one-off comic titled "The Amazing Screw-On Head" where President Abraham Lincoln's right-hand spy was a body-less... well, screw-on head. Sheer proof that not only has the world gone mad, but... it's just the way I like it.

Now then, while you can buy the comic at Dark Horse.com, for some of you (like myself) that may not be enough.

Well, the people at the SciFi Channel agree. That's why their making an animated series of it. Currently, they're planning on airing the pilot sometime this week (probably even multiple times) just to see how it'll do. Also, you can go and watch it on their website (Yay!) for FREE. And whilst I have posted this link twice already, I shall put it in again, just to say "Go see it here." Although I will warn you now, those of you who still have no idea what this is, just rest assured that it is completely my style of humor (well, maybe not completely, but rather close). Whether or not that turns you off at all is completely up to you.

Now, get me a screw-on head!

Nifty-ness Prevails Over All

2006-07-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me well enough may remember my little schpiel^(h) on not wanting a Nintendo DS.

Forget it.

I'm not saying I'm going to go out and buy one, now, I might just save up my money for the Wii, but seeing this somehow changed my mind.

By the way, some of you might want to check out my del.icio.us account, it's a nifty sort of way to keep track of favorite links and share them with friends. Not much, but nifty nonetheless.

Weekly Quote Post #10 - It's been too long.

2006-07-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

"I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!" I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'"
- Ellen DeGeneres

"In physics, you don't have to go around making trouble for yourself - nature does it for you."
- Frank Wilczek

"Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers."
- Jimmy Breslin

"The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

"After being Turned Down by numerous Publishers, he had decided to write for Posterity."
- George Ade

"If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them."
- Isaac Asimov

"In the end, everything is a gag."
- Charlie Chaplin

"Crime does not pay ... as well as politics."
- Alfred E. Newman

"Music is essentially useless, as life is."
- George Santayana

Bad Cow Pun.

2006-07-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

First, I added a couple new links to the "Fun Websites" list, 4 color rebellion and The Escapist. I highly reccomend you check them out for all the latest video game news. (And perhaps a well-deserved guffaw every now and again.)

Second! Bask in the presence of my sharpie doodles! BASK, I SAY!

And thirdly...

Moo?

Random Multi-Blog Post of the Month.

2006-07-12T14:41:00.000-07:00

"We want you to build a jacuzzi, okay?"

So they told me to build a jacuzzi, okay? I've never been a sword-smith, nor do I ever plan on being one, but it's not as if jacuzzis just build themselves nowadays! Wish they did though, jacuzzi self-maintenance would make a great documentary. Safaris would be changed forever. Refrigerator magnets full of 'em. Honestly, the size of the worcestershire sauce wouldn't matter, it's the sheer barbeque value that would get them. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, jacuzzis. Anyway, the sheer man-power of this jacuzzi was no ordinary behemoth, no sir. They wanted bubbles. So, this proved to be a problem, I experiment briefly with the notion of hooking it up to a billy-goat and utilization variations via a summary of pulley system, but in the end all that expired was a sloshing feeling. The goat was a good find, though. Made a rather nice luncheon. Fed the buggers for months. And, yes, the jacuzzi. Not that the jacuzzi ate anything, it's just that I'm getting back to the subject, you see. Anyway, I got the jacuzzi up, but it was still missing something, so I added a couple over-size mufflers and a flaming paint-job. That seemed to work nicely.

Semi-Annual Catch-Up Post, July 2006

2006-07-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

(What follows is a collaboration of my artwork, thoughts, recent/current events and topical explosions, all compiled at very late hours of the night. I remain in no way responsible if your head explodes.)

Whilst the cunning wars of wits and centrifugal ferocities of normality and extra-normality, wherein dragons and troll bridges may very well still exist, life continues as abnormal.

In the first quarter-sectional histrionic event, it turns out that we may (or as of yet may not) be moving until next Summer, as it may be. An over-looked detail is that my great aunt owned a restaurant, and without her, they are in fact completely cookless. So until yet another artist of the culinary arts is to be found, homesteads and local scenarios are to remain unchanged. Once again, this provincial black hole of a town fulfills its repetoire.

Job applications are becoming a surprisingly interesting option to spend the rest (and indeed entirety) of my free Summer, a friend of mine has already sent in what seems to be at least eighteen different applications to multitudes of places, and suddenly the prospect of, "Holy cow! I don't even have a bank account yet!" struck me, and I realized, I could really use the money. So the struggle continues.

Saw Nacho Libre today, and I feel it necessary to warn you, this movie is NOT, in ANY way, for the feint of heart. I repeat, only watch this movie if your idea of sheer bliss is sitting, drinking soda or eating popcorn, whilst your IQ drops a few hundred points. While there are some good laughs to be had, these are more the sort of "Oh dear God that was pointless" sort of laughs, rather than your soul being touched by glimpses of hilarity (be there such things anymore, I personally believe they died with the Berlin wall). In layman's terms, this means that yes, Nacho Libre was more stupider (this is the simplified layman's term, you see) than Napoleon Dynamite. And Elizabethtown. Combined.

Superman Returns, however, is probably worth at least a matinee seating... And maybe a few comic books. This movie is definitely for the followers. While not the definitive Superman movie I had expected, I respect their mindset of, "Hey! Let's just pretend Superman 3 & 4 never happened." The special effects were phenomenal, and were in no way short of what one would come to expect, and while there are some things I (being the avid fanboy that I am) would like to complain about, I will refrain from doing so, because some very bad words may come out.

Crime and Punishment, Plato's Republic and I Wrote a Book, You Can Too may once again become best-sellers in the youth society, as the Yolo County Juvenile Hall has been "offered" fifteen new inmates, with the promise of $450,000 delivered yearly into the pockets of the country in question. Why? "We're over-booked." is a summary of what the Sacramento County Juvenile Hall had to say. There just aren't enough beds to bunk all these poor young adolescents who don't have enough sense to keep the danged safety on those guns.

And, as the companion for the prairie home Garrison Keillor would say, "That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average."

Well, that's the news from my life, where something happens, then something else happens, etc. etc... And we all go to sleep if we're lucky.

ECHO... Echo... echo...

2006-07-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

If this is what the Japanese build for an annual six inches of rain, I'd hate to see what they do for tsunamis.

The Edogawa River.

This, my friends, is a storm drain. A big storm drain.

So, uh, anyone know Japanese?

Weekly Quote Post #9 - Courtesy of the Alphabet

2006-07-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

"I look at what the phone company does and do the opposite."
- Craig Newmark

"A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell."
- George Bernard Shaw

"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it."
- Henry Allen

"No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself."
- Thomas Mann

"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers."
- TS Eliot

"Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge."
- Paul Gauguin

"An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today."
- Laurence J. Peter

"You've got to take the bitter with the sour."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have."
- Don Herold

God help us.

2006-07-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

--They're organized.

July 4th - Independence Day

2006-07-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, the 4th of July, Independence Day. The day we celebrate our freedom, liberty, and pursuit of happiness through the lighting and exploding of small plastic trinkets.

But in this time of celebration, we have to stop, and ask the harder questions in life, such as this one I found while browsing for a full history of this glorious day:

Well, have fun with that! Bye!

"Life? Don't talk to me about life."

2006-07-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

Once again, life fails to consituate the norm. Yes, Norm has once again fought with Life, and proceeded to leave the proverbial building.

Norm is a complicated man, he seems to be constantly undergoing some sort of a mid-life crisis of some sort. I even hear he had his hand in the gas prices going up.
And, once again, he goes mucking about in my personal life. Thank you, Normal Q. Potter. Thanks for nothing.

--Or, something, as it were.

My great aunt has finally decided to sell her house and property, a perfectly situated piece of land, placed directly next door to the place my parents have been talking about moving to for the past six years now. And, she wants us to have first pick at whether we're buying it or not.

Good News:

My great aunt finally gets to go trampse around Ireland like she always wanted to.
My family may be getting up to Placerville sooner than expected.
If we move, we'll be able to be closer to my grandparents.
My mom will be able to live, as she said, "The country life" and do general Green Acres impressions.

Bad News:

See Good News #2.
There, our nearest neighbors are our relatives, none of which are even close to my age.
In the home school group there, there's close to nil for what I want to learn.
I will be living in the middle of nowhere, an hour and a half drive from any of my current friends.
I can't drive yet.

And, so far, the circumstances have led me to start considering a (gasp) public school, as far as edumacation goes.
Yes, that's right, public school. For the first time in my life, I may actually be going to a, and I quote, "Actual School." Or not. I mean, I could go to public school, meet new people, learn my three R's, and have to deal with the, and I quote again, "Constant pressures from your peers and teachers." Or, I can stay home schooled, do most everything myself, stay stranded where the nearest none-related neighbor is three to five miles up the road (or, in fact, three to five miles up a different road, we have our own road, you see), be by myself most of the day, and make friends with the local fauna.

On the one hand, the idea of going to public school has made most of my home schooled friends give me the look that make one feel insignificant, yet significantly out of place, or full-on fight me about it. I dunno, maybe I'm just thinking on a different wavelength from you or something, but I think it's a good idea. And furthermore, the idea of being home schooled for eleven years and two to three years more, is beginning to sound a little monotonous. I could be learning things that I wouldn't learn in public school, but in the words of the immortal Jeff Foxworthy, "There's more than one way to skin a cat, but the cat's not gonna like any of them."

And in the immortal words of the even more immortal Carla from Cheers, "Yeah, you can't flush a cat."

"Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

I'm BACK.

2006-07-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll, good to be back. I just spent the past week stuck in the middle of nowhere (and then some), and I finally get to spend the night in my own bed, and not have to worry about being woken up by a psychotic kitten every morning. Yes, dear friends, it's good to be back.

That is not to say the trip wasn't fun, because it was. Sort of. On the other hand, it wasn't quite torture, either. It was more of a ball of fun wih rough bits of torture around the edges.

First off, there was the cat.
This, folks, is one of the rougher pieces of torture I had to endure. As some of you may know, I just so happen to be allergic to cats. And Nicodemus (the cat, you see) is... well, psychotic, in the most polite sense of the term. And he loved me. And I don't think it was the whole "male bonding" thing, either. I think I just taste good.

... Although some of you may disagree.

One of the good things, though, is that I was able to get in a lot of drawing time, so I'll get together some of my better stuff and put it on here in a little while.
Also, I got Bulletcom Bill chapters two through four inclusive ready to go, so I'll get those up as soon as I find time (i.e. once I stop procrastinating).

Today was... interesting, to say the least. We wake up at o'dark-thirty in the morning, leave the house at ungodly hours of the morning, drive for two hours, stop at a rest stop, meet up with my dad, drive another two hours, get home and unpack, all so I can get to practice on time. Where, coincidentally, I just happen to successfully tear up my index finger on my bass strings. Fun? Yes, fun.

I love this, how I just ramble on incoherently whenever I want. Those of you who actually enjoy reading this must be my kind of people. Those of you who don't enjoy this yet pretend to, must know me personally (or related to me, funny how that works out.).

Anywho, just to wrap it up for now, I'll end things with the weekly quote post (Number 8).

"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."
- Herbert Hoover

"We are more ready to try the untried when what we do is inconsequential. Hence the fact that many inventions had their birth as toys."
- Eric Hoffer

"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
- Ludwig Wittgenstein

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

"He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes."
- James Thurber

"Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance, / And toss them on the wheels of Chance."
- Juvenal

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
- Alfred Hitchcock

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
- Abraham Lincoln

"I keep the subject of my inquiry constantly before me, and wait till the first dawning opens gradually, by little and little, into a full and clear light."
- Isaac Newton

Weekly Quote Post - Inquisition 7

2006-06-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

"To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself."
- Albert Einstein

"We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything."
- Thomas A. Edison

"In this business you either sink or swim or you don't."
- David Smith

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
- George Burns

"You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please wait until I am wrong."
- Johann von Neumann

"An economist is a surgeon with an excellent scalpel and a rough-edged lancet, who operates beautifully on the dead and tortures the living."
- Nicholas Chamfort

"Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd."
- Allan Goldfein

"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."
- Jay Leno

"A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor."
- Ring Lardner

And later today, my grandparents are kidnapping me and keeping me for the next week, so next week's quote post may or may not come.

"Bulletcom Bill"

2006-06-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

I have suddenly brought it upon myself to practice the art of middle-formed typing-of-keys-into-sentient-words-with-a-plotline, or "writing" as you call it, by typing as quickly as possible, and not giving myself time to think what I'm spewing out.

And it goes something like this:

Chapter 1.
In the existentially dark and stormy night of the left-hand parsect of the EEMP (Entire Empirical MarketPlace) was situated a quaint stand of apples. It had apples in it. This fact is only noticed because of the brief psychological lapses of the owner of said apple cart, who must be reminded every few minutes or so that the sky is, in fact, pink. In a completely unrelated course of events, a small spaceship in the out regions of the EEMP's orbit, a small inter-galactic vessel was under violent and thoroughly un-welcoming stress. This was inherently because they were under attack. It could be argued that they were under attack simply because of the fact that they were stressed, only they didn't realize they were stressed until they were attack, but that argument could take hours. The actual philosophical/psychological explanation for all this is that someone, it doesn't matter who at this particular moment in history, was thoroughly ticked off. At this particularly immature influx in the space-time continuum, the number of people as thoroughly ticked off as this author cares to mention, was three. Theologists say that this now confirms that while three is the number for the Trinity, the number of dimmi-willits in a zorkquid, and a rather good start for pi, it is also the number of anger, suppression, regression, and sheer panic. Other theologists believe that it is theologists like that that give theologists a bad name. The first group of theologists will then argue that it is the other group of theologists that give the letter "T" a bad name, and the argument dies down from there.

Lord-Emperor-Pope Draxnard the 1th was one of the three sentient life-forms in this state of manner that was hitherto mentioned, then forgotten in a brief streak of theology. He sat in a high throne, wearing his crimson red cape, crimson red and onyx black crown, and sipping a hot pink beverage out of a margarita glass with a little paper umbrella sticking out of the side. He was the lord-emperor-pope of Draxnard-7, a small planet in the Southern Polaroid, and he was in no way a fair king. He stole from the poor, stole more from the rich (not there were any rich people left on Draxnard-7), charged taxes on things he himself didn't deserve, and led the general the general idea of a Draxnardian "good life." And while Draxnardians only have a life expectancy of about three opects, he was bound to fall over at any minute, and give way to the first Draxnardian who dared oppose his cold, rotting flesh.

This tradition would give way to a new, more powerful lord-emperor-pope, who would lead his planet into economical downfall, religious confusion, and follow it all up with a random precedence of senseless violence, all in a matter of opects.

Uncoincidentally, a small number of Draxnardian insurance claimers were awaiting nearby, hoping for the current lord-emperor-pope's last words to be something about his tax returns. But they were not.
his last words -or "word," as it were -were (was), "Fire."

Needless to say, you as the reader will now psychologically deduce that Lord-Emperor-Pope Draxnard the 1th's last word before he fell over and was pounced upon by a few rather talent car insurance salesmen was the word that caused all the stress, tension, and theological doubt of the number three. And, well, it was (is). Or at least it was for the half of his crew that had just recently been hired. You see, the new Draxnardian language, recently set down by Lord-Emperor-Pope Draxnard the Nothingth, largely consisted of words that made no relevant sense in most situations, unless put in exactly the wrong context. So in fact, the word "Fire" when used in New Draxnardian, roughly translates to, "Please, mommy, I want some milk and cookies." It should be noted, however, that in the old Draxnardian language, that literally translated to "Oh God, I'm going to die." So you can imagine the confusion for the previously-mentioned half of the crew who had only recently been drafted there from the systems Hither-7, Thither-Bx9, and Yon (The smallest planet in the galaxy, yet the universe's largest supply of "Jungle Cruise" souvenirs).

Amidst the confusion upon the now late lord-emperor-pope's final perishing words, lots of "fire" buttons were pushed, elbows were bruised, and large, semi-intelligent shades of the colors blue, red and magenta, were accidentally flung into the large source of hyperspace alphabet soup, and thusly crumpled into a thousand multi-colored bits of cereal, and became important parts of a balanced breakfast.

Breakfast, coincidentally, was just what the Captain of the Ex33-Barklefuzz was NOT having as the white hole of infra-spected barraging tips of pointy-headed, introverted tax agents shot out at them. Although he didn't know it, and probably wouldn't have cared much if he did, the Captain's words were very similar to that of the late Lord-Emperor-Pope, yet in the dialect of the Caljersians, it more directly translated to "Oh crap, the IRS."
And so, the tax agents hit. The ship shook. Suddenly every sentient mind in the ship was directed at this months intercom bill, instantaneously compared to the mathematical expanse of traversing plaid-space. This was where the tax agents worked. Moving quickly along the outer rim of the ship, the swiveled around and hit all the inside occupants with barrages of telepathically-transmitted, mentally-challenged claims of financial fiascoes with your mother-in-law's journalist friend's ex-roommate, who is now a very influential head of the cerebral mob. The only persons not hit with this never-ending impailment of political, ethical, and homicidal messages of fiscal bullcrap, were of course the droids. This was not solely because of the fact that they had no actual brains to speak of, but just because they were still too dumb to figure out what taxes were in the first place, and where to download them. Fortunately, however, they knew where the coffee machine was.

Instantly, a thick, brown, liquid that smelled like it could wake you up in the morning (although that term is irrelevant in this day and age) blasted off the ship in a tidal wave that from thereon left the tax agents with an ever-pressing hunger for the color nine, and a nice sprinkled donut.

And the day was proverbially saved.

"Well it's deaf, now." - Stuff for the Day

2006-06-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

"Well okay, the bad news is your wife just walked in the main doors. The good news is we're having a sale on bullet-proof vests in the sporting department!"

And in further advancement of interesting newses -

One o' The Coolest Animated Movies on T3h Internet

"Pyrats" by Yves Bigerel, Bruno Dequier, Ben Fiquet, Nicolas Gueroux and Julien Le Rolland

Funnest Times of the Browser-Based Level

Three Dog Night-- Err-- Morning.

2006-06-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

It is at these unholy hours of the day (The ones which, as I have heard, were invented for the sole purpose of being considered unholy), that the only feasably acceptable form of activity, although I doubt it is one I may partake in voluntarily, is the entertainment of our new Buhrmese Python --Or, excuse me, puppy.

"He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!"

And I thought getting a puppy would be a relatively pleasant occasion, since, you know, my loving, caring, and oh-so-gracious sister volunteered to take care of it and all, but nooooooo....

CRIKEY! IT'S GOT ME!

Bilateral Thinking Puzzle of the Week

2006-06-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

Q: A man is lying dead in a room. The floor has many valuable treasures scattered over it, and a chandelier is on the ceiling. There is a large, shattered window nearby. How did the man die?

(Thanks to "Bilateral Thinking Puzzles" by The Surrealist)

"Tyler" as Defined by the Infinite Teen Slang Dictionary

2006-06-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

interj. an exclamation used in celebrating a victory.
"Tyler! I knew you couldn't flirt with my burger!"

Weekly Quote Post - Destruction #6

2006-06-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

"A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores."
- Terry Pratchett

"The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them."
- Samuel McChord Crothers

"Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other."
- Unknown

"Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision."
- Blake Clark

"She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit."
- W. Somerset Maugham

"You can be a rank insider as well as a rank outsider."
- Robert Frost

"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles."
- Pat Paulsen

"Men, it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one."
- Charles Mackay

RE-LIBERATE!

Semi-Interesting News and my Quote of the Day

2006-06-17T15:28:00.000-07:00

- We finally got our worship team together for some practice, we sounded GREAT. It's a shame, though, that we only played for three hours. :P

- I am now addicted to playing the theme to that "People do stupid things" Vonage commercial.

- We (the family) have now "officially" adopted a new little puppy, Rachel. I'll get some pictures up sooner or later. :)

Quote of the Day:
"Doing the right thing is just like wetting yourself while wearing a dark suit - Nobody really notices, but you get this warm feeling inside for a little while"

"I'd rather be watching Conan the Barbarian."

2006-06-14T17:21:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be losing sleep at nights because of this, I just know it.
It's the sort of thing about math class that you always know is going to happen, you just never expect it to, if you get my meaning. You probably don't get my meaning, but that's why it's my blog and not yours.

Are concurrent lines parallel?

The definition of "Parallel lines" is "Lines in the same plane that do not intersect." Yet concurrent lines are constantly intersecting. They never stop intersecting, because they're exactly the same. Yet that doesn't make them perpendicular, because they're not intersecting at right angles. But they're not parallel because the definition of parallel lines specifically says that in order to be parallel, they can't intersect. So what are they?

Weekly Quote Post Round 5

2006-06-10T16:55:00.000-07:00

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
- HG Wells

No human thing is of serious importance.
- Plato

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
- De La Lastra's Law

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
- Ronald Reagan

He wrapped himself in quotations- as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of Emperors.
- Rudyard Kipling

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
- Robert Graves

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
- Stanislaw Lem

The Da Vinci Code

2006-06-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, I just saw the movie yesterday (Yes, it's taken me this long to write this), and I must say it was a great movie for what it was. If anyone's looking for a good Ron Howard suspense sort of film, see this.

However, while I like it as a movie, the entire plot it is based around has me -unlike many people, who are foaming at the mouth -laughing my head off at times.
From scene one, this movie hits you on an extremely emotional level. This emotional level stays, and stays... And, well, stays. Really, I think that's the only reason it became such a controversial issue. The emotional level gets people sucked into this controversy without considering what may be blatantly obvious. Anyway, good movie, here's my problem: The logistics of the plot, while intriguing, are lacking one simple element: "So what?"

If [Person X] is really "The Holy Grail", the descendant of Christ, so what? Does that make him or her actually Christ? The movie plays it out in such a way that they may actually be like Christ, performing miracles as Christ did. Yet, sadly, the events of the movie do little, if not nothing, to prove this. Also, so what if Jesus was merely a mortal? Were not his teachings good, were not the morals he laid down good morals? We know in our soul that they are, so what if he wasn't immortal? He never claimed to be immortal. Jesus being mortal does not disprove the belief of an omnipresent, all-powerful God that could have risen him up from death. The theory that Jesus married Mary Magdalene, also, has no actual effect on the beliefs of Christianity. Jesus was a man without sin, marriage and love are not sins, not so far as we know. If they are, we'd all be dead right about now. God, in records and history, had a long streak of zapping people who sinned against him. And whoooooo boy, if Jesus was a sinner, we'd all be zapped. But still, if Jesus' bloodline was still alive today, what would the point of finding the "Holy Grail" be? Jesus was the son of God, sent to Earth with a single purpose, this does not according to scripture (Which, by the way, the book and movie do not refute) pertain to his descendants, if he had any. Also, The Da Vinci Code takes into account the several "Gnostic Gospels" or "Lost Books" of the Bible, books that explain that Jesus was merely mortal, and that he was married to Mary Magdalene. These books, however, differ from the Bible in several important aspects: 1st) All of them were written some hundred years after the death of Christ, whereas the current gospels were written either during or just after the life of Christ. 2nd) The canon, or standard, if you will, of the gospels at that time were that they be written by, or with help from actual eye-witnesses of the events being recorded. The gospels in the bible today were up to that standard put forward by the church, and were inspected by eye-witnesses to make sure they stayed that way. The Gnostic gospels, however, being written some hundred years later, had no eye-witnesses, and therefore were not "up to code" as it were. That's why they're not in the Bible, not because of the Counsel of Nicea, as The Da Vinci Code suggests.
Also, the Priory of Sion, a prominent entity in this film, were originally presumed to be a fake by the main character, yet are later "proven" to be factual. Fact is, people did actually think they existed. But, surprise surprise, they turn out to be fake. Research was done, and it turns out they were "discovered" around 1987 by a Frenchman, the name of whom I forget, I can get it if you want, but he kicker is, he was known for being insane. His biggest pastime was coming up with "secret organization" and conspiracy theories.

I have to give Ron Howard and Dan Brown credit, though. They both did their jobs marvelously, and it definitely takes lots of talent to take some fact, a lot of fiction, and make thousands of people believe in the crap you dish out. I'm not bashing them, by any means, they did a wonderful job, nor am I bashing the people who believe in this stuff, but what I am bashing is the logical basis for the entire system of the argument. They're lacking vital components to their points, yet the still make it work, okay. Good for them.

Anyway, you want my verdict? Great movie, very suspense, very compelling, bad moral and logical basis. Watch as a fiction movie, read it as a fiction book. You want facts? Do the research yourself.

Bow Down Before Your Robot Overlord!!!

2006-06-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

I finally finished it! For my birthday, my little brother "bought" me the Titan XP Lego Designer Set, a complete 782 pieces in all. It has ideas and instructions for thirteen or so actual sets, but I went for the big one.

Sorry about the bad quality of the picture, all I had on me was my dad's camera phone. To give you an idea of the size, though, the foot on this thing is just smaller than my fist. Yeah, it's big. And yeah, it's really cool.

It's My Birthday and I'll Blog if I Want To

2006-06-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

June 5th? Already?

Wait.... It's a... it's a Monday, right?

Ka-rap! It's Monday! That means...

Oh wait, that means it's my birthday.
How old am I, again?

Fifteen? Oh, right. Fifteen. The age that I finally realize how many responsibilities I have and how quickly and efficiently I have to do them. Like cleaning, for example.

But it's my birthday, so I've got at least an hour to goof off and mess with my presents. I got Hawk Nelson's new CD, "Smile, It's the End of the World" (Awesome CD, much better than their first one), some new sketchpads (YAY!), pens (DOUBLE YAY!) and pencils (QUADRUPLE YAY!), and my own mug (FINALLY!)! So yeah, it's been a good morning. A bit early for my taste, especially for a Monday, but I've got lots to do before my party, so it's worth it. Hopefully.

Sooner or later I'll start working in my new hundred-sheet (Booya!) sketchpad, so I'll be sure to post the fruits of my labor sometime in the near future.

Have a nice week, everyone! Summer's come to kick me in the face yet again. :)

?!? - For Lack of a Better Title

2006-06-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is what my siblings I do during church. No, I don't see what your point is.

(All the sketches that aren't obviously mine are my little brother Trevor's. :) )

Also, as an added bonus, I have given you the liberty of emailing me! The semi-sarcastic ne'er-do-briefs-again blogger is now at your disposal, ready to answer life's toughest questions. Well, most of them, anyway.